Contents
Foreword
Introduction
Chapter 1
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Chapter 1
MISERY
Bob slumped down in the chair opposite mine. "At this point, I don't know where to begin or even if anyone can help me. I'm so stressed out! I just don't know what to do. I've got problems at home, problems at work. I'm miserable all the time."
"You've come to the right place, Bob," I said reassuringly. "I teach people how to deal with their problems."
"That's what Jim said," Bob commented hopefully. "He's my brother. He said you were different."
"What do you do for a living?"
"Well, if you ask my boss - not very much," Bob answered. "He's one of the problems. I have a boss who is never satisfied - constantly on my back criticizing what I do and what I haven't done."
"What do you do?"
"I'm plant manager at Willard Manufacturing," he replied. "We make electrical components for various manufacturers and contractors. My boss is vice president of operations for the company."
"Do you like the kind of work you do?"
"It's all right, I guess. It's a job, but I don't enjoy it like I used to. Besides, no one wants to work any more. Not only do I have trouble with my boss, I'm also fed up with my employees. They always have an excuse for everything. I've tried yelling at them, criticizing them, and even playing Mr. Nice Guy. Nothing works."
"What's your situation at home?"
"Worse," he said, frustration showing in his voice. "Betty and I have really drifted apart over the past few years."
"You are married to Betty?"
"Yeah, if you want to call it that," he said bitterly. "All she does is whine about how I don't care about her anymore. I find myself disliking just about everything she does. Lately, I just try to stay out of her way. She keeps threatening me with divorce, but she just hangs in there. We've been married twenty-four years. She's a branch manager at National Bank. You'd think we'd be happy after all these years."
"Any children?"
"Four. The oldest is my twenty-three-year-old son, Mike, who drinks too much and can't ever seem to find a job. When he does, he can't hang on to it. Nothing motivates that stupid kid! He's living with his girl friend, Marsha. She's got a good job with an accounting firm and goes to Phoenix College. I have no idea why she puts up with him.
"Next is June, my twenty-two-year-old daughter. She's a Junior at the University of Arizona and is doing pretty well. She's working as a waitress this summer. Her problem is this idiot boyfriend of hers. What a loser! I just can't understand why she would go for a such a person.
"Then there's Tim. He's fifteen, but acts like a ten-year-old. His mother gives in to him on everything. I hardly ever see him. God knows what he's into.
"Finally, there is Ruthie... She's eight and a real sweetheart. She seems to be having some difficulties in school, but she'll work them out. She's always after me to do things, likes to crawl up into my lap, and wants me to play a card game with her. She loves Crazy Eights. She is the one bright spot in my life."
"Are there any other areas of your life that bother you?"
"No, not unless you count my migraine headaches. I've been going to doctors for the past three years, and none of them has been able to find out what's wrong. They all say it's stress, but no one tells me what to do about it. I've been taking pills, but nothing helps."
"Any other area?" I asked.
"Isn't that enough?" he snapped. "Anything else and I would fall apart. No one understands what I've been through. It seems like none of my family or my boss really care." He looked down at the floor, thought for a moment, and then added, "No one really cares."
"What area is of most concern to you - your problem with Betty, your children, or your difficulties at work?"
"I feel so completely at a loss, I just don't know what to do," Bob replied, not hearing my question. "I've got this friend at work, Luke. He has worse problems than I have, but he seems to handle them much better. His wife left him two years ago. She just disappeared. He's been taking care of her two kids - they're not even his! They're her kids by another marriage. He's got the boss on his back a lot more than I have. He's the quality control supervisor. Yet he goes around, always pleasant to everyone. I don't know how Luke does it."
"Would you be interested in learning how he does it?"
"I don't understand," Bob replied.
"Would you be interested in learning how Luke is able to deal with all of his problems and stay calm and pleasant despite the circumstances? You're all upset and miserable, and he isn't."
"Well, if you could just tell me how to get my boss off my back and get a few foremen who were willing to work, maybe things would be better," Bob answered.
"Bob, did you hear what you just said?" I asked.
"No, what did I say?" he answered, sounding confused.
"You just told me that your boss and employees need straightening out, yet you also admitted that Luke, who has it worse at home than you do, is able to handle the same problems you have at work." Bob looked at me, and again I said, "Are you interested in learning how Luke is able to deal with everything around him and still remain calm and pleasant?"
"You know how to keep a person focused, don't you?" he said, smiling for the first time.
"You're paying me for something," I replied, smiling back.
"The last guy I went to had me talking about my feelings and all the family problems I've been having," he said. "After three months and eight hundred bucks, I decided he was the only one who was benefiting from the counseling. I was ready to give up on you guys until my brother told me about you."
"Bob, are you interested in learning Luke's secret for handling his problems while still remaining calm?" I asked again.
"Yes, I am," he replied. "You certainly keep things on track. We could use you in our plant meetings."
"What do you think is Luke's secret?"
"I don't know," he said slowly. He continued thoughtfully, "I guess he doesn't let others get to him - you know what I mean? He doesn't let others get him upset."
"Do you think others cause you to be the way you are?"
"What do you mean?" he asked.
"Is it your boss or your wife and kids that cause you to be upset?"
"Well, sure, they all do," he replied. "I'd be happy as hell if they would treat me better." 'You just told me that you and Luke are treated the same by you: boss, perhaps Luke a little worse, and you both have problems in your family life, yet Luke seems happier and less stressed out than you. Is that because of the way he is treated?"
"No, I suppose he looks at things a lot differently," he answered.
"So, what we do isn't caused by what happens to us, but rather by how we view things. Is that what you're saying?"
"I guess so, but I'm getting confused," he said, looking puzzled. "Somehow I've always figured that we can't control things like stress. Are you saying I can control it?"
"Bob, let me show you something that should help you understand what I'm saying," I said, holding up my hand. "Raise your right hand up, palm facing me, like you would if you were taking an oath in a courtroom." I placed the palm of my hand against Bob's hand and applied a small amount of pressure. Bob's hand went back about a foot, and then he held firm.
"Let's try that again, Bob." We did it twice more. The second time his hand didn't budge when I applied the same pressure. The third time he pushed back, and my hand retreated about six inches.
"Bob, what caused your hand to go back when I pushed it?"
"Well, you did," he replied.
"Then why didn't it work the second and third time?"
"Because I didn't want you pushing it back," he answered. Then he looked at me and grinned. "I guess I caused my own hand to go back the first time because I didn't resist you."
"Did I determine where your hand went, or did you?"
"I did," he said slowly. "You know, that's kind of interesting. I always thought that when someone does something and I get mad, it's the other person's fault. I don't know, this is all sort of confusing."
"Would you be interested in learning how we control what we do especially how we perceive things?"
"Yes, I guess so," he answered, "but will that help me with my problems?"
"Are you in control of getting what you want?" I asked.
"No, I guess not," Bob said, looking down at the floor. "I'm not really in control of anything. That's my problem. So what do you mean about learning how to control?"
"The more you understand about how you function as a human being, especially how your brain works, the easier it is to learn how to take control of your life, to find some degree of happiness, and to deal effectively with others. The stress you've been experiencing is evidence of that lack of control and of internal conflicts within your system. Once you learn how to take control of your life, you can remain calm and collected in the face of adversity - just like Luke does."
"That makes sense," he said, nodding.
"In order to understand the cause of stress and how to deal with it, you first have to understand how the brain works." I stood up and moved to the chalkboard on the wall. "I want you to try an exercise with me. Here are two rubber bands, tied together by a single knot. I'm placing a dot on this chalkboard, and I want you to try to keep the knot directly over the dot on the chalkboard. I'll hold the end of one rubber band. You hold this chalk, which I have placed inside the other rubber band. Then, when I move my rubber band, you try to keep the knot over the dot on the board by moving your rubber band. Your movements will be recorded on the board since your chalk is held against the board."
Bob put the chalk and rubber band against the chalkboard and looked at me dubiously.
"Are you ready?"
"Yeah, I guess so," he answered.
As I moved the end of my rubber band up and down, closer and further away from the dot, Bob began moving his rubber band, attempting to keep the knot between the two over the dot. The piece of chalk traced a record of his movements.
"O.K., let's discuss what just happened. First, what did you want to do in this exercise?"
"I wanted to keep the knot over the dot," he said.
I wrote a big W next to the dot. "And how did you know that you were doing this?"
"Well, I looked at the distance between the knot and the dot and moved the rubber band to keep the knot as close as possible to the dot."
"That's right," I said, as I wrote a large P on the board next to the W and drew a circle around both. "This scribbling you did with the chalk represents your attempt to maintain the harmony between what you wanted, which was to keep the knot over the dot, and what you perceived, which was how far the knot was from the dot. The erratic chalk lines reflect your actions.
"Suppose a person saw these chalk marks but didn't know what you wanted, what do you think the impression of your actions would be?"
"That I was a little crazy," Bob replied, grinning.
"Do you think that person could have told you exactly what you had wanted and what you were perceiving?"
"Well, no, how could anyone tell by just looking at those scribbles?" Bob replied, looking mystified.
"Those scribbles represent your actions, what you did so that you could achieve what you wanted - to keep the knot over the dot on the board. Do you think it's possible for you to know all the things people have in their minds when you see them doing something?" I asked.
"Of course not," Bob said, shaking his head. "I'd just be assuming a lot of things. If someone had seen what I was doing there on the board, I'm sure that person would have thought I was half nuts."
"Once people understand what you want, do you think there is a difference in how they perceive you?".
"Well, sure, there would have to be a difference. They would understand what was going on, you know, what you were thinking," Bob replied.
"Were you aware of the marks you were making as we were doing this exercise?"
"No, not really," he answered. "I was concentrating on keeping the knot over the dot."
"This exercise is a simple explanation of how the brain works." I pointed to the erratic marks he had made while moving his rubber band and continued, "Most people are continually trying to change their own or another's actions or behaviors. Yet we rarely think about what we are actually doing. What causes our actions is our attempt to correct the difference between what we want and how we perceive we're doing." I pointed to the circled W and P. "And that's what we are going to deal with in this office - what you want and how you perceive things. As either of those change, your actions will change accordingly."
"I'm still a little confused," Bob said, looking puzzled. "Are you saying we don't think about what we are doing?"
I returned to my chair and motioned for Bob to sit down. "Did you think of what you were doing in this exercise, or were you watching the knot in relation to the dot?"
"I'm beginning to understand," he responded thoughtfully.
"Let me use a common experience as an example, Bob. Supposing you wanted to drive forty-five miles per hour, how would you know you are accomplishing what you wanted?" "By checking the speedometer," Bob replied.
"Do you ever think, when you decide to go a certain speed, about how hard your foot should be pressing against the accelerator?"
"No, of course not. I automatically know how hard to push," he said, shrugging his shoulders. "I don't consciously think of it."
"And do you ever think of how you move the steering wheel when you want to keep your car centered in your lane?"
"No, I just look to see where my car is in relationship to the lines on the road," he answered.
"Anytime we act in any way, we're conscious of two things: what we want and the results of what we are doing. That's a condensed picture of how the mind works."
"Don't we ever think about what we're doing?" Bob asked.
"Rarely. Whether it's driving a car, typing a letter, or combing our hair, people are designed so that we always consciously look at the results of our actions - not at the actions themselves.
"It's what the mind wants that determines where its attention is directed. Unless we make a conscious effort to look at specific actions, we rarely think about what we are doing. Even then, we have trouble. Programming or reprogramming our actions involves a lot of work - looking at specific actions and comparing them with the actual physical motions that we want to perceive ourselves doing or saying. For example, learning to type, to play a musical instrument, or to develop a golf swing are all attempts to program specific behavioral patterns that will achieve what we want. Developing and then programming new muscle actions is not easy. But, once they are learned, we just give a thought command to our systems and the muscle program connected with what we want is activated. Actually, the less conscious we become of our actions, the more proficient we become."
"Why is that?" he asked.
"Because we rarely think of what we do when we want something, as in the rubber band experiment we just did. When I take a shower or fix a meal, I don't think of the actual movements of my hands and arms. I literally watch myself accomplish what I want, without much thought as to the specific muscle movements. Changing actual muscle coordination is possible, but the most efficient way to do that is through consciously thinking about what we want and our perceptions, just as I showed you in the rubber band demonstration.
"The same principles hold true for a person's relationships. I'm sure you are quite capable of being kind and loving to your wife. You probably acted that way when you were first dating and early in your marriage. As time passed, you probably came to perceive Betty somewhat differently than when you were courting her. Also, I'm sure the various things you want have changed. The way to reactivate those kind and loving actions is by altering your perception of Betty and developing a stronger commitment to her. A change in your actions will naturally follow."
"Well, I don't know what I have to look at to get my life straightened out, but I do need help, that's for sure," Bob said, sitting back in the chair. "So, where do we go from here?"
"You mentioned a few minutes ago that no one understood what you're going through and how unhappy you are, right?"
"Right," he said.
"So what is it that you want?"
"Well, I guess I want to feel better about myself," he said quietly. "I guess what I really want is to have less stress at work, you know, to be happier at work, to feel competent and respected. Also, I want to feel closer to my family and get along with them better."
"You mentioned that you weren't getting along with your boss, arguing with him all the time' and that you yell, criticize, and occasionally play Mr. Nice Guy around your employees. Are all these actions helping you get what you want at work?"
"Hell, no! They only make things worse," he said emphatically.
"And with your family, you mentioned that you criticized Betty a lot and now you try to avoid her. Also, you have little or no contact with Tim - I believe you said you never saw him. Is what you are doing at home helping you get closer to your family?"
"No, apparently not. Things are getting worse there as well." He then added quietly, "Much worse."
"Would you like to work at making things better?"
"Yeah, I guess so," he said.
"Bob, are you really serious about working at improving your job and your family life?" I asked, not totally convinced by his first response.
Tears began to fill his eyes. He looked at me and said, "I've got to make things better. I don't have any other choice. I've been so on edge lately. I thought I had achieved everything I wanted. You know, a good job, a family, nice home, boat, club memberships, and yet I'm miserable. My stomach hurts, I can't sleep at night, my headaches are killing me, and work is pure agony. I used to enjoy going to work.
"Then, there is my family. I don't want to lose Betty. I really do care about her, you know. I don't have the faintest idea how to deal with my kids. I just feel so alone all the time. I need help figuring out what to do."
"O.K., Bob, I believe you. And you came to the right place. I can teach you."